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Do not utilize utilize ( with a bonus poem)

Posted by ptheibert on September 10, 2013 at 1:20 PM

I hate the word utilize. You do not utilize something, you use it. However utilize seems to have taken over the Business world, so all I can do is give in and add some of my own "ize" words to the lexicon of "Business Speak."

Why meet someone for lunch. It would be far easier to "Lunchize". Did the executive botch the last speech he gave? We can say he "Bushized"it. Have you been relocated to a cubicle. Looks like you have been "cubized". You are not writing a report, you are "reportizing".

The great thing about "ize" is you can use it anywhere. Just find a strong verb and replace it with a "ize"word. You are not painting the house, you are "colorizing"it. You did not ground your child, you "curfewized" her. You did not play catch with your child, you "tossized" a ball around.

Did your soft ball team get beaten 50 to 0? You didn't get massacred , you got "Custarized" . Having trouble making a decision? You must be "congressizing". Forget about the word driving. From now on you are "carizing" places. If fact if you "carizie" to the mall, you could say you are "mallizing" today.

I think my idea may be catching on. Just the other day, I read about a man who landed on an island and was eaten by cannibals. He was cannibalized. And of course, the classic business use of "ize". You no longer get fired, You get "downsized."

And one final thought, if the judge is in favor of capital punishment and you are executed, were you "capitalized" ?

Example One: Escaping Business Speak

Today I will not

Maximize

Energize

Utilized

Prioritize

Emphasize

Actualize

Capitalize

Professionalized

Compartmentalize

Incentivize

Itemize

Jeopardize

Moralize

Legalize

Merchandize

Patronize

I think I will stay home

And lobotomize.

 

 

 

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